Decisions, Decisions

Decisions, decisions.

Every victim is faced with them and every survivor has chosen between them.

Though intensity may vary, every single type of crime is traumatic because the world, as the victim knew it, has been changed. A home burglary feels like a violation and victims are often apprehensive about entering their homes again. Living in domestic violence is demeaning and victims are often left feeling worthless and no good. A homicide produces a grief unlike any other and those left behind find it difficult to even breathe let alone live.

But life around a victim continues even as theirs has stopped.

And to restart it, they will have to make a choice. And the choice will boil down to a very simple question: “Will I or won’t I?”

Though the question is simple, the actions around the answer are hard. “Will I” requires the victim to eventually decide that a new normal is worth it, that peace has value, and the acknowledgement that they will have to wrestle with some big concepts along the way such as forgiveness. “Won’t I” requires less but is still a choice. “I won’t” allows the victim mentality to begin to take root – the sense of entitlement and the idea that no one has suffered a worse pain. Both require a decision, one produces healing.

Merriam-Webster defines “survivor” as continuing to function or prosper despite a circumstance or happening. Even the definition points out the choice – when faced with trauma, one can continue or one does not. The definition also points out that making the choice to continue may only produce functionality BUT it also may cause the person to prosper – a decision within the decision.

For those whose lives have been impacted by violence, we grieve with you but we also want to encourage you. Your life, though no longer the same, does not have to be over. Your life still has purpose and meaning. Your life can have beautiful moments in it and it can be a testimony to others of the blessings that come from choosing to overcome.

For those who are survivors, maybe you are ready to take the next step of sharing your story with others. For those who want to be survivors, maybe you are ready to take the next step of accessing resources to help you on this journey.

If either are you, please contact Valerie Craig at valerie.craig@tnvoicesforvictims.org.

Decisions, decisions…..which will you make……check out this link for a little motivation.

Written by:  Valerie Craig, Co-Founder, Tennessee Voices for Victims

Connect on Facebook here.

Crime Victims’ Rights Week 2017

April 2-8 is National Crime Victims Rights Week. Established by President Ronald Reagan in 1981, communities across the United States observe this week to consider the plight of the victim, and to show support for them.

When you are a victim of crime, your life is totally upended. Many times there are physical consequences that must be overcome- on top of the always present grieving process that has to occur after a victimization. Restoring a shattered life is hard and time consuming and made more difficult because all the pain was caused by someone’s selfish and cruel motivations. The victim’s trust is totally compromised. The emotional rush is powerful and unrelenting. Fear and anger play tug of war with the psyche in every waking moment. There’s no reprieve from the torment. Even in sleep, the violence, pain, and grief re-play in nightmares. It feels like insanity, with no hope for escape. And then there is the justice system.

Most people have no idea the frustrations victims face in trying to obtain justice. From legal maneuvering by defense attorneys that re-victimize the victim to the endless delays in bringing the case to trial, some victims are “lucky” if they get through the system in 2 years. Other victims are suspended in limbo for years longer, like the victim in the Vanderbilt rape case who was victimized in 2013.  She has endured two trials, is scheduled for another, and still has other offenders charged but no trial dates set…yet. Or the family of Brooke Morris in Roan County who waited 5 years to finally go to trial. Or victims like Gail Chilton, a mom who is struggling to see justice for her daughter who was murdered in 1996! And, after the victims finally receive their trials? Assuming there is a conviction, they now deal with the parole system where they will have very little rights. Victims have made some gains for considerations in the justice process over the years, but the system still holds many inequalities. The fight is far from over as each year advocates for justice are forced to work tirelessly to get “common sense” victim bills passed.  Thankfully, President Reagan acknowledged this struggle and set aside a week each year to remember victims on a National level.

Victims should have rights. After all, THEY are the INJURED party. It is their life that was destroyed. They didn’t choose this cruel path, it was forced on them. We all should be concerned about their injustices, as our world grows more violent with each passing day. In reality, we are not immune to experiencing the same kind of injustice.

National Crime Victims Rights week events are being held across Tennessee.  All are welcomed as these events are open to the public.

On Sunday April 2nd at 2:00, Nashville Advocates will gather at the large pavilion in Centennial Park near the train and airplane to acknowledge and honor the strength of victims of crime.  This ceremony will feature survivors sharing their stories of empowerment.

From Friday, March 31st to Sunday, April 9th, the Homicide Boards for Davidson County will be on display at the Downtown Nashville Public Library.  These boards will be located on the 3rd floor during normal operating hours.  Validated parking is available in the parking deck attached to the library.

Additionally, the Tennessee Board of Parole along with the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation, Tennessee Department of Correction, and TRICOR will be hosting Tree Planting Ceremonies throughout the state during the week.  Click the link below for additional information about these ceremonies in your area.

2017 NCVRW Tree Planting Address-Locations Schedule as of 3-21-17 cps

If you know of other ceremonies in your area in honor of Crime Victims’ Rights Week, please leave the information about them in the comment section below and feel free to share this blog so everyone can have the opportunity to support victims during this important week.

Written By:  Verna Wyatt, Co-Founder, Tennessee Voices For Victims     verna.wyatt@tnvoicesforvictims.org

Finding Me in Spite of Myself

I came from an average, American family, went to church every week and lived in a good neighborhood. It never crossed my mind that someone I loved would try to hurt me. I was a good person! Boy, did I get that wrong.

I have been in three abusive relationships, but I didn’t realize it until it was too late. You see, none of the men laid a finger on me, until the relationship ended. I was being emotionally abused. I was ridiculed, controlled, manipulated and isolated from my family and friends.

My first husband struck me one time and I was out of there. The second time my boyfriend broke my nose after we were broken up for several months, because he realized I wasn’t coming back. Later, he came back with a gun to kill me. And my third, well – he tried to kill me after he broke into my house and stood waiting for me to get home. The chances of a woman being murdered when she leaves an abusive relationship increases by 70%.

I will never forget sitting on the window ledge of my bedroom with only two choices. Jump or be killed. I jumped 20 feet and shattered my ankle. What followed almost caused me to take my own life several months later. This was my reality — a severe bone infection, realizing soon after that I was pregnant, 4 years of constant pain, 16 operations over a 10-year period, debilitating depression, losing my job and finally hitting rock bottom.

Because of the abuse, I suffered from chronic depression, anxiety, PTSD and nightmares. I medicated myself with alcohol. Nothing helped. I finally got on medication, went to therapy and received support from a local church, which saved me. It’s been 20 years now and I am still suffering from the effects of domestic violence. However, I came out on top. Domestic Violence was not going to define who I was.

The one thing I didn’t do was give up. Deep down I knew that something good had to come out of all of this. I was confused and alone. I didn’t understand why these bad things happened to me, so I dove into research. I had to understand what domestic violence was and how to overcome it.

I decided that the only way I could really heal myself was to give back and help other women. I was determined and I was passionate. With my church’s support, I started a non-profit, which later became the largest transitional housing program for domestic violence victims in middle Tennessee. This year I finished my memoir (which is the title of this article and in the process of being published.) I raised a beautiful daughter and am married to a loving, supportive husband. I also try to give back by helping other domestic violence agencies such as TN Voices for Victims.

As an avid horse rider, a Trail Ride to raise money for TN Voices for Victims was started 3 years ago and is an annual event. We need your help! This is such a worthy cause. Will you contribute today? Domestic Violence effects everyone. I’m sure you know someone in your family, church or neighborhood that is being abused this very minute. Your financial help for this cause will make a difference.

I found my voice, in spite of all of the horrific things I went through. Will you find yours? Every voice matters.

Written by Beth Lowry

*Note:  If you are interested in supporting our work either through a donation or through the Trailblazers event, please visit here.  Questions?  Please contact valerie.craig@tnvoicesforvictims.org.

Changing Minds

In the fall of 2016, the Department of Justice launched “Defending Childhood.” This initiative is designed to help educate our world on a child’s brain development and the role violence plays on how the brain grows and matures.

This is not necessarily a new initiative from a conceptual standpoint. From 1995-1997, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente began doing research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE). This study was revolutionary in showing that adverse experiences in childhood could and would impact adult behavior and long-term emotional and physical health. Though there was discussion about the results, at the time, these discussions lacked the wider dialogue needed to make a difference in a child’s life.

However, that is beginning to change. As the country has seen the rise of addiction, mental health issues, crime, relationship problems, etc., the prevailing question has been, “Why?” This question, related to these problems, have begun to generate momentum for looking at a person’s entire life – not just the snapshot of the addict in the hospital or the prisoner in his cell. And (finally!) the battle cry is beginning to sound that ALL adults who are influential in a child’s life, including parents, teachers, doctors, etc., must be made aware of this information so they can best serve the children in their care.

This directly relates to the work being done by Tennessee Voices for Victims. For 12 years, the co-founders have been meeting people in prison who have caused harm to others. Verna and Valerie realized very early in this journey that if those individuals were not sitting in prison, but were living healthy, productive lives, that victimization would be reduced – an incredibly important goal for victim advocates who see the pain survivors of violence must learn to live with. Reduction of crime is an audacious goal, but it is one, in our opinion, that can happen if we successfully answer the question of “How?” Our most effective, and in some ways, direct answer will always be to prevent someone from causing harm to others because in the words of Fredrick Douglass, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Under every circumstance, strong children will not happen through accident, but for those who are living in violence, a plan of action is required:

1. SEE – We have to be willing to see that there are children being exposed to violence, chronically and without relief. And that they, in their childhood, are powerless to help themselves out of the violence.
2. LISTEN – We have to be willing to listen to what these children want us to know. We have to be willing to hear their pain and understand how that pain is impacting them. We have to stop shying away from the things we do not want to hear. Without question, most parents love their children; however, loving a child is not enough. For love to be effective, the child must feel it. They have to know in their core that they have value and worth and that message gets lost in the midst of trauma. It is hard for a child to believe they have worth when they worry about falling asleep out of fear that one parent may kill the other during the night or because the whipping they received was so severe they will have trouble sitting down for days or that when they get home from school their parent is passed out on the sofa from their prescribed medications.
3. LEARN – We have to be willing to learn what that pain means for these children and what we know, through decades of studying these behaviors, this pain means for other individuals, the community, and society as a whole. We also have to be willing to learn about the issues causing the pain – absentee parents due to addiction, incarceration, or mental health and negative family dynamics such as domestic violence, child abuse, or divorce. This is where websites like the Department of Justice’s https://changingmindsnow.org are critical. This site offers concise information about what these issues do to children, how we can help, and links to additional resources.
4. ACT – We have to be willing to decisively act. Reduced crime and safer communities begin with us, the adults, in our society, finding our voice and speaking up and out about the violence the children in our society are experiencing day in and day out. It requires us to have the courage to engage when we know there is a problem. Our children and our society can no longer afford our silence.

Find your voice and help these children find theirs.

 

Written by: Valerie Craig, Co-Founder, Tennessee Voices for Victims

Find Your Voice

To purchase our often asked about shirts, click here.  New styles, colors, and sizes are available.

2017. It’s hard to believe that in less than 30 days, it will be here in all of its glorious potential and possibilities.

We, at Tennessee Voices for Victims, just like everyone else, have big plans for this coming year, but before we delve into that, let us tell you little bit about what we did in 2016.

• We presented over 130 presentations, reaching almost 10,000 audience members. These presentations included audiences that were school-aged, professionals in victim services fields, general community members, and the incarcerated.
  We worked with 48 survivors statewide who were experiencing difficulties with the system.
• We co-hosted with the Nashville Metropolitan Police Department to bring a one day symposium from NOVA (National Organization for Victim Assistance) on Cyber-crime, stalking, human trafficking, and identity theft to Nashville. This event reached over 100 advocates in the Middle Tennessee area.
• We continued to serve on the Tennessee Children’s Justice Task Force, Nashville’s Domestic Violence Coalition, and the State and Davidson County Season to Remember Committees.
• We continued to chair the Davidson County’s Crime Victims’ Rights Week Ceremony.
  We secured several grants, allowing us to continue our work in our community.

But now it is time to look forward, and there are a couple of projects that we have on tap for this new year. All of them focus on one of our favorite things: empowerment. At Tennessee Voices for Victims, we believe that regardless of what we are doing, if our efforts are spent on empowering someone else, our world is going to be better.

• For the survivor, empowerment is what allows them to climb up past the victimization – scarred but stronger.
• For the school student, empowerment is what allows them to make the choices that reflect their respect for themselves and others.
• For the community, empowerment is what allows them to act on behalf of a hurt child or a broken family even when it would be easier just to walk away.
• For the incarcerated, empowerment is what allows them to change, and in that change, they no longer are victimizers.

So we are dedicating 2017 as the year that we will focus on helping others “Find Your Voice.” This campaign will take shape in many ways, some we are confident we haven’t even thought of yet; however, we do have a couple of ideas that we are working on:

• A Round Table discussion for Sexual Assault Survivors is planned for April in collaboration with the Knoxville Police Department. Sexual assault survivors will have the opportunity to share their stories with “system” personnel throughout the state to provide feedback and insight about their experiences and help make the journey better for those coming behind. These survivors will have the opportunity to find their voice in a unique and powerful way.
• In-Service Trainings are a critical part of helping others to find their voices. We will begin to share the feedback we receive from others in our newsletter and through social media. Just this week one founder was told how important her presentation was at an elementary school because of a child’s report of abuse. The teacher said that she felt confident in knowing what to do because she attended TVFV’s training.
• Plans to help connect some of the most disconnected survivors – those who have offenders on death row. There are several factors that influence this disconnect, with a great influence being the sheer amount of time these cases remain in flux. Over the decades that it takes for these cases to play out, survivors lose the constant support they receive at the beginning and the attention, from their perspective, focuses more and more on the offender. It is our vision to help connect this group and provide them opportunities to support each other, receive training opportunities, and know they are not alone.
• Work with faith communities to help make their congregations safer for those who have yet to become victims and for those who already are.
• Continuation of our school presentations and Victim Impact programming. Though these presentations serve different audiences, the desired outcome for both are the same: to change behavior. Both programs focus on the importance of understanding why certain choices are being made and providing tools for making healthy choices.

To help jump start our campaign, we are bringing back our asked-about “Find Your Voice” t-shirts. For those of you who already purchased one of these shirts, we are grateful. For those of you who have asked about the shirts, here is your opportunity! Visit our store to purchase your shirt (new colors and kid sizes are available) or for those of you interested in making a year-end donation to us but don’t want a shirt, this site has an option just for that as well. Please contact valerie.craig@tnvoicesforvictims.org with any questions.

We are grateful for each of you and the opportunities you have given to TVFV. May you each have a wonderful end to 2016 and a blessed beginning to 2017!

Written by:  Valerie Craig, Co-Founder and Director of Education

Hero.

“Hero” is a word that gets thrown around a lot. It applies to Superman, rock stars, and the police, but now it is time to add a new category to that list. We need to add the title of “bystander” – or at least sometimes.

According to Merriam-Webster, the word “bystander” means “a chance spectator.” In other words, it is someone who just happens to be in the right place at the right time. Sometimes, being a bystander requires nothing more than being present; however, there are times that being a bystander can mean so much more.

For example, recently in the Metro Nashville Public School System a teacher was caught with inappropriate sexual material of elementary-aged students on his computer. How? He asked a fellow teacher to help him with a computer problem. This fellow teacher ran across this inappropriate material and reports the material to the authorities – stopping this man from continuing his abusive ways.   It has been reported that he has over 50 videos from the elementary school he taught at and thousands of sexually-explicit images from other sources. 40 girls were identified as victims through the videos, but thanks to this appropriate bystander, this teacher cannot create more.

http://wkrn.com/2016/09/19/metro-teacher-accused-of-secretly-videoing-girls-as-they-changed-clothes/

In a case that received national attention, two graduate students from Stanford University interrupted and reported a rape after riding by on bikes and seeing a man thrusting his hips against his immobile victim. Their confrontation caused the man to run and then be caught. These guys ended a violent assault.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/stanford-university-sexual-assault-former-swimmer-brock-turner-witnesses/

These bystanders are heroes. They acted, not because they wanted to be thanked or honored, but because it was the right thing to do. They understood the consequences of inaction. They realized that they were the ONLY ones with POWER TO STOP the victimization and they did not ignore the weight of this responsibility. There is every possibility that they were anxious, nervous and maybe even second-guessed themselves, but in the end, they knew what was right AND THEY DID IT. Just like Superman.

But, here’s the kicker. These individuals aren’t Superman (or Wonder Woman). These individuals didn’t fall from another planet as alien life forms with supernatural abilities. These individuals are you and they are me. They are people who had the knowledge of what is right when faced with a wrong, and they dug deep to find the courage to act on it. Very much like what we tell children, they stood up to the bully. They thought about others and they decided to treat others the way they would want to be treated. They did not ignore the wrong and they did not pretend to see the injustice. Instead, they found their voice and they changed the world.

 

Written by: Valerie Craig, Co-Founder, Tennessee Voices for Victims

Imagine.

Imagine you are 3. Or 9. Or 16. The age is not the important part.

Imagine that you are in your room or at church or playing your favorite sport or at a sleepover. The place is not the important part.

Imagine you are with your parent, your teacher, your pastor, or your favorite aunt. Now, we are starting to get to the important part.

Imagine you have something to share. Something that is big. Something that is so big that it is almost impossible to say out loud. Imagine that this super big, almost impossible to say thing makes you worry. It makes you think that you are not good enough, that you are to blame. It makes you feel less than and ashamed. Imagine the struggle to stuff it but every time you push it down it makes you feel more and more strangled. And then you remember. You remember that person. That favorite aunt, that pastor, that teacher, that parent that you think, maybe, just maybe, might believe you.

Imagine that you pull up every ounce of courage and arm yourself with every piece of bravery that you have and you take the leap. You tell them that impossibly big thing – haltingly at first, as you struggle for the right words. Imagine telling this even as you wonder: “Will they believe me? Will they care?” You offer just the briefest of hints into what your heart is hiding because you don’t really know, not yet, what this trusted adult is going to do. And so you shield yourself. Because your super big almost impossible to say thing has taught you that you always shield yourself. The world is not as it seems. It is not as safe as your trusted adult tells you. So, you say as little as you can and then…..you wait.

Imagine this wait. Imagine the sweaty palms, the racing heart. Imagine the “what ifs” that are racing through this child’s head. And then imagine you are that trusted adult. You are the one they trusted with their secret but maybe they don’t know quite how to say it. So they call someone you like a name or they use a word that gives you pause but you think “oh, surely not.” Or, maybe they don’t say anything at all because there are no words, not really, for what is happening to them. They only know how to tell you through their actions. Maybe they start acting out or they stop participating in a beloved activity or they suddenly have a need to be perfect at everything.  Or maybe they do have the words and they come tumbling out like a volcano erupting – spitting at first but then the fire flows destroying everything it touches. Maybe this child confesses someone touching them in a way that makes them uncomfortable or introducing them to pornography or forcing them to have sex. And you, the trusted adult, want to believe that you misunderstood or that maybe the child misunderstood because the other option, the option that this could be true, is too much to wrap even your adult brain around. And all the while, this child is watching – for your reaction and for your response. However you respond will forever mark this child and their journey. You get one shot at this, so what do you do?

Imagine that this child tells this story to a trusted adult who gets it. This adult knows the importance of telling this child that they believe them. This adult knows the importance of telling this child that they are so sorry they did not know but that they are so very grateful that this child put on their brave and told them because now – now they can help. Imagine if you get to be the adult that reports to the Department of Children’s Services. Now it’s your turn for your palms to be sweaty and your heart to race but you know that this is the right thing. You know that you are the only voice that can protect this child. And without you, this child is back to being alone. Back to feeling less-than, powerless, and unimportant. But you, in how you respond, can begin to give some of these losses back. By telling them that you believe them, you can be the one to let the child know that their experience and life and words have value. By telling them that you are going to do something appropriate about what they told you (it is not appropriate to kill the person who has harmed this child), you are telling this child that they have a right to dignity and that shame should not be theirs to bear. Imagine the courage it takes to be the person who does the right thing. It is an immense amount, but this courage pales in comparison to what this child will experience if the trusted adult doesn’t get it.

Imagine telling someone that does nothing. Or worse yet, tells you that you must have misunderstood or that the person didn’t mean to touch them inappropriately or that they are lying because this accused individual is a beloved authority figure. Imagine acting out or being perfect in front of someone who doesn’t understand what they are seeing. Or worse yet, has an idea that something isn’t right in the child’s life but lets the “what if I am wrong” mantra drown out the child’s cries for help. Imagine the message that adult sends to this sweaty palmed, heart racing child. That adult has just reinforced everything the child already believes – that they are unworthy, unbelievable, and untrustworthy. That adult has struck a blow to this child’s sense of safety, sense of power, sense of deserving. And for some children it will be the last time they speak about it in their childhood and they will become masters of disguise as that super big, almost impossible to say thing becomes a dirty secret that takes root in their very soul.   The roots will spread into the very fertile ground of self-hate and suddenly this child begins making choices that harm them because they believe they don’t deserve something better.

Imagine. One child. One trusted adult. Two choices – to act, to not act. As our kids return to their routines, we need to commit to ourselves and to our children that we will be adults of action. We will not let their fears be realized if the unimaginable happens. We will not ignore their voice or the one in our head. We will gather our courage and we will respond. And if we are unsure, we will ask and then we will do because we are the voice that our children need.

Written by:  Valerie Craig, Co-Founder, Tennessee Voices for Victims